This Witch Has Cancer: Ch 3 - Up Down, Up Down

Artist: Egon Schiele

Oct 12, 2023 Thurs

Had a great (!) couple of days fixing up the apartment. I moved here in May, got the living room set up immediately, but have a dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom that need some serious attention. I’ve managed to sleep deep the last two nights which is seriously thrilling because there’s nothing worse than being over-tired. I cry when I’m over-tired, because I can’t stop thinking about surgery, treatment, and losing my independence. The big question is how am I going to clean the litter box after surgery? I know friends will help me, but that’s not the point. It’s about the fact that I won’t be able to clean the litter box by myself.

Anyway. I was having a grand time - painting, distressing, throwing things out, organizing closets and drawers, etc. - when I got a call from the nurse navigator. 2 phone calls later I am meeting with the oncologist and radiologist on Friday, October 23.  My daughter-in-law is going with me. I’ve always referred to Sarah, my daughter in law, as my daughter-in-love, but this seriously confused the people checking over my paper-work (and her relationship to you is?) so I had to revert back to daughter-in-law. Have been to Social Services for Snap and Office of the Aging to apply for Medicaid to cover my Medicare Part A and B. Having done this dance for other cancer patients, I knew what to bring and the questions to ask. I’ve had to navigate so many systems in my life, the IRS and the New York City Public School System, come to mind and I’m ever wondering:  What do you do if you don’t have the brain power to navigate the system? What if you don’t have the right amount of bitch to stay on top of it?  (P.S Re: the IRS and the New York City Public School System; the IRS was way easier.)

After the call from the nurse navigator, whose voice reminded me of a 14-year-old girl with braces (I don’t mean that mean, she’s very caringly enthusiastic and I’m grateful I have her) my world turned black. Waves of terror washing over me. I’d be lying if I said in the beginning, when I first got my diagnosis, I wasn’t sure if the path I’d have to walk to cure this was worth it. I’d be lying just as much if I said when the terror overtakes me, I ask the same question. Today is one of those days when I just want to crawl into a pocket of earth and zip it closed. My thoughts are out of my control and in the hands of something other. How do I negotiate cancer, medical insurance, and lack of funds? The two-faced Janus is playing ping-pong with my brain and the shadow demons are watching, eating burnt popcorn.

Dentist called. I need a root canal. Sheila – landlord – showed up. Has to replace a window in my living room because of the leak. Anytime it rains its leaks badly into her office on the floor below. Rot-the-ceiling-is-falling-down badly. The leak isn’t coming from the window which is an easy fix. The leak is coming from a rotted window-sill and jam. All I can think about is the dust and the dirt so I have made a list of questions. How long is it going to take? How much stuff has to be moved? Are you moving it? Are you tenting? Are you cleaning everything up afterwards?

Sheila is a Leo; tall, beautiful, with soft brown eyes.

I don’t know, she said. I’ve never had a window replaced before. So, I’m not going to stress about it.

But I’m stressing about it, I said. It’s not just the window, it’s a rotten sill and probably the jam. I’ve lived through construction before, and the dust and the cleaning, and I just don’t have the strength.

Gary and I will help. The man doing the work will help.

Sheila took a beat. Clearly something was off with me.

Did you hear anything?

I see the oncologist and the radiologist the 23^rd, I said, dissolving into tears. I’m so scared. I read what people are going through on the colon/rectal cancer Facebook page and it terrifies me. Having my body pumped full of poison terrifies me and the surgery is fucking brutal. You’re talking 9 months recovery. They all say trust in the doctors – I don’t trust in doctors. I’m scared shit of all of this and having to show up and be adult and think and plan and figure.

Sheila took my hand, let me cry, and be where I was. Gary called later and I melted down on him too. Hand to God I don’t know what I’d do without Gary and Sheila.

I got to talking to myself out loud. I do that a lot. I said, Katie Lou, you know feelings aren’t facts; they are simply a barometer of what’s going on with you. Feelings are your weather. Then I answered myself. Well then darling, you’d best tape the windows.

**********************************************************************

Oct 13, 2023 Friday

Slept deep, slept late. The feelings of yesterday have passed. Pretty sure it has everything to do with chanting last night and this morning. I had to go find the illustrations of how to do self-reiki in the reiki booklet I wrote. Cats are confused. After today’s reiki session, I said out loud, I gotta kill this thing. First time I’ve thought that way; a pitiless quality to it. Mars is in Scorpio, alleluia.

Walked two miles tonight, that’s eight times around the track. Did a different affirmation each lap. The cancer diagnosis threw me so far out of myself, into what’s-the-fucking-point, that I forgot some of my simplest and most effective tools for living. What’s-the-fucking-point is a cat ball of resentment and self-pity. I prefer rage to resentment and self-pity. There’s a festering quality to resentment and self-pity; rage is clean, wild and hot. When I chant, when I meditate, when I walk, I find balance; the hold of the ugly, which will kill me, loosens; becomes vapor and disperses. I am resisting turning this process into a heroine’s journey. Not sure why, it probably would make life a great deal easier. Wise Joe laughs from the other side.

I wished I could fly. I’m sure we all knew how to fly once, but forgot how. I’m not talking about metaphorical flight. I’m talking about leaving the ground when you’re in the mood. Rosanne and I flew once. We were in her studio apartment on East 78^th, she lit the oven, and it exploded. Hand to God time and space inverted and we were on the other side of the room. Her eyebrows were singed and she’d a burn on her hand. Last thing we both saw were shooting flames and bam! we were on the other side of the room, without a clue how we got there.

I think we flew, she said.

We were also pretty sure we ran a bordello in Persia in a past life.

**********************************************************************

Oct 14, 2023 Saturday

Come to Jesus moment and I didn’t sleep at all. Rule of thumb for your average person who is diagnosed with cancer is 31 days till treatment starts. We are well over 40. As I have appointments to meet with oncologist and radiologist Monday the 23^rd, clearly a treatment plan has been determined, but no one has bothered to tell me. I have called and I’m done calling.

Boston is too far away. How would I get there and where would I stay, so I bit the bullet and went to the Sloane Kettering website. I found a surgeon, who specializes in my kind of cancer. I watched his video. He is all about low dose chemo and radiation, most of his surgeries are either robotic or laparoscopic, and as per his website he takes my insurance. You ever see a bird dog point? That’s what I did.

—

I still think cancer can be cured energetically.  A healthy cell vibrates at 67-70 MHz, a cancer cell vibrates above 1000 hz. There are so many studies at the National Library of Medicine, where sound waves and pulsed electric fields are having real success destroying the cancer, with very little side effects. 20 hz of mechanical vibration destroys the cancer cell without side effects. 20 hz of mechanical vibration screws up the metabolic pathways that feed cancer., What stops research into low frequency mechanical vibration is Big Pharma. There is no profit to be made with sound waves and low frequency mechanical vibration. Big Pharma will block it every step of the way and yes, the FDA is in Big Pharma’s pocket. Cancer drug sales are expected to doubly by 2024 “pocketing a tidy $235.6 billion in profit.”

**********************************************************************

Oct 15, 2023 Sunday

Great day, two phenomenal readings, with two women I dearly love. Doing the work, I’m on the planet to do makes me feel good all over! Great walk at the track and finally found two teas that aren’t that bad. Green Tea Chai and blueberry zinger. I’ve also learned how to make scrambled tofu, which is actually quite good, especially if you fry up purple onion first, then add the tofu, and cheesy Bragg nutritional yeast. I’m eating well but only half of what I used to eat because I get full easy. I do miss my sweets. I am having more cramping than I had before, which I don’t like.

Tomorrow is a big day. Will be calling Dr. Julio Garcia Aguilar at Sloane and have the nurse navigator send him my medical records. I don’t want to deal with this so-called team up here anymore. I’ve also been informed that quite a few people who live up here have their surgery at Sloane and then get their chemo and radiation at O’Connor the hospital right around the corner, where I had the fun Cat Scan. The last bruise has almost faded completely. Still, if I choose to go with low dose chemo and/or radiation it’s nice to know I can do it here.

—

This is my favorite time of year. Magical, witchy, wonderful. Nothing, not even cancer, can rob me of my delight in this time of year. No matter how I feel, the beauty surrounding me remains quite real. Walking the track, watching the sun disappear behind the mountains, smelling cool, damp green. Not a day goes by that I am not overwhelmingly grateful I live here.

—

Nighttime. I am remembering the second Alien’s movie; the little girl Newt. They come at night, she whispered to Sigorney. The fears and the terrors do come at night. This cancer business doesn’t feel like a heroine’s journey to me. It feel like a very human journey, a path I would never have chosen, but here it is. Come nighttime it’s hard to hold fast to the reality that miracles have always been part and parcel of my life.

Calling Dr. Jennifer Chan at Dana Farber, because she not only specializes in neuroendocrine tumors (the kind I have) but she’s the director of the program in neuroendocrine tumors.

**********************************************************************

October 16, 2023 Monday

Called nurse navigator.

As I’ve been scheduled for appointment with chemo and radiation guy, clearly there is a treatment place for me. Do you have it?

No. You talk about your treatment plan with the oncologist.

Okay, I hung up, wondering who the oncologist was. I called Regina back.

It’s Katherine again. Is the chemo guy, the oncologist?

Yes.

What are the plans for surgery?

You’d have to speak with Dr O about that.

Why am I meeting with chemo and radiation people when I don’t know what the surgical plans are? Chemo, radiation, and surgery are supposed to work together.

Sometimes before surgery they like to give you chemo and radiation.

I started yelling. Chemo, radiation, and surgery are supposed to work together! You work the three of them together! Surgery determines the chemo and the radiation!

I’ll make sure Dr. O gets a message to call you.

I hung up, went to the Bee, and bought a giant cup of turmeric chai, which is ok. It’s not coffee though, God I miss coffee….

—

Home again. Pulled out my insurance card. Called a Surgeon in Albany my friend Catharine’s colonoscopy person recommends. Yes, they take my insurance. The charming and highly competent nurse took all my information and said all they needed was a referral from Catharine’s GI doctor. They are only taking patients by referral. Once they have that, the appointment is a go, and please send your records.

Sloane Kettering does not take my insurance. The website was wrong. Yet another very competent woman on the end of the line suggested I call my insurance re: out of network benefits.

It’s cancer treatment, I said. Out of network benefits won’t even begin to cover treatment.

She was very quiet.  I have you in the system just in case.

My insurance won’t cover Dana Farber either. They are big on nuclear medicine up there for my kind of tumor. I am not.

—

Gary is sprawled on my couch and we’re busy filling out applications for this and that when Dr. O calls. I put him on speaker. Dr O wants to avoid surgery if possible. The tumor is so low and so small he’s pretty sure they can shrink it out of existence with chemo and radiation. After shrinking you get scans every few months. This is the best possible news I could get. (Surgery for colorectal cancer is fucking brutal and I honestly don’t know if I could do it or would do it.)

I look at Gary, I know this is great news but I can’t touch into yet.

Do you want to take a moment? He asks. Maybe go sit in your room? Think about this a little.

No, I said. Let’s finish this.

—

It’s not sunk in yet. I’ve lived on high alert for so long, but I am feeling the threads of cautious relief. Called the nurse navigator and apologized for being such a bitch. Glad I was though, because it got me a call from Dr. O. Dr O has excellent surgical reviews, he’s all about minimal invasive surgery, but every review says he’s hard to get a hold of.

With all the books I’ve been reading by cancer survivors, those who have the greatest success do a combination of traditional and alternative treatments, and that is what I am choosing to do. Diet, supplements, and exercise are key, and I’ve got that covered.  Now I have to start researching what to take, what to do, to off-set the side effects of standard of care on my body.

Artist: Georgia O’Keefe

I feel every prayer and all the energy sent my way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love beyond all reason,

Kat x0x0x0x0