This Witch Has Cancer - Ch 6

"captive on the carousel of time...."

Art by Beatriz Mulhazes

Nov 16, 2023 Thurs

Fear makes you do crazy things, like turn your life and will over to other human beings because they’re the so-called experts. Witches say, where there’s fear there’s power. What that means is on some level I have power (that I am not aware of) in a scary situation. My definition of power is - love made visible. Any act of self -respect is an act of self-love. Acts of defiance that serve soul and healthy autonomy are acts of self-love. When I first got sober, I was told my lack of respect in relation to authority was a character defect. I disagreed then; I disagree now. My desire to live authentically, consciously, and soul-fully, my sense of humor, and my utter lack of respect for most kinds of authority (that would impose its ways and its will on me) has kept me alive and thriving.

Yesterday I drove to Cooperstown to get my tats for radiation. There were three older women sitting in the waiting room when I got there. Salt of the earth, upstate New York Women. I thought, oh goody, coffee klatch:). I said, “hey y’all,” and we got to talking. Most cancer people are pretty chatty.

D said, “I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and they wanted me to do chemo, radiation, and surgery. I said I’d do radiation. The doctor said, chemo and radiation. I said radiation. He said chemo and radiation. I said radiation. I got radiation, not chemo. I kept the cancer at bay for 8 years. Then I went to Ireland with my husband and covid hit. I got covid and the cancer got active again. I’m doing more radiation, no chemo. The doctor’s at me again saying chemo, chemo, chemo. And I say, quality of life, quality of life, quality of life. My father had stage 4 melanoma. He also refused chemo, did a lot of supplements, plant-based diet. They said he’d be dead in 2 months, he lived for 10 years. Healthy, happy, and enjoying life.”

Did you read Craig Beats Cancer? I asked.

“Great book,” D said. “I do the juicing and the supplements every day. I’m looking into Fen Ben.”

“They’ve got a facebook page,” I said, “and it’s got some good information. They can be a little militant though.”

L spoke up. “I am a prayerful person, and God told me I was cured. I did the radiation and refused the chemo. Now I’m NED (no evidence of disease) but they want me to do hormone treatment. I’m not going to do hormone treatment. My son who researches everything told me not to.”

“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

“I’m giving everyone turkey T.V. dinners,” L said. We laughed. What kind of cancer do you have, Katherine?

“The old man’s cancer, rectal. Stage 2. The chemo guy wanted to put me on a platinum-based chemo.” D and L laughed. “The radiologist is letting me do what I want to.”

“Bassett’s good that way,” D said.

“Yeah,” L said. “The famous places won’t let you do that. There’s too much money in chemo.”

“$1000 a bag.”

“Have you read Jane McCellan’s Starve Cancer? It’s not just be positive and eat broccoli. It’s about the metabolic pathways that feed a cancer tumor and how to block them. You’d think they’d research that for cancer cure.”

“Like they’d give up the profits in chemo,” D said, writing down the name of the book.

“Chemo’s all about the money and has nothing to do with cure,” L said. “How do you spell McClellan?”  

“You can’t tell an oncologist anything we’re talking about,” D said.

Big eye roll all around and we were off, talking supplements, different kinds of energy work, prayer, and acupuncture. We spoke quietly, leaning in towards each other, intense, like sneaky teenagers when they don’t want their parents to know what they’re up to.

The nurse came to collect me for the CAT scan. Very upbeat, they’re all so upbeat, and there’s a falseness to it that sets my teeth on edge.

She informed me that after I lay down on the table, they were going to make a mold of my legs; that would be the mold I would lie in when I was undergoing treatment.

“And we’re going to give you some contrast.”

“Contrast? Do I have to drink anything?”

“No,” she said, “it will inserted.”

“Inserted? Am I getting an IV?”

“No.” She patted her butt.

“Oh.”

So, I’m on the table, they’re folding the mats around my legs and would I like a warm blanket and yes I would.

The doctor arrived to do the insertion, introduces himself. Upbeat and friendly. Oh Lady, help me. I am instructed to bend my knees, feet flat on the table, and drop my knees open.

"The doctor said, “And how are you today?”

I’m thinking you have your finger up my ass.

I say, “I’ve been better.” And then that was over.

The nurses run me through the CAT scan,  back and forth, back and forth. I hear the doctor reciting numbers: something by something degrees, and something by something degrees, and yep, it’s right there, such and such degree by such and such degree.

He left and I was marked, tatted and taped. It was not a gentle experience.

—

Leaving the Cancer Center, I passed people clearly towards the end of Standard of Care. Most couldn’t walk by themselves because of the neuropathy in their feet. There’s no strength in their bodies, ashen skin, bald or balding, and dead eyes. No wonder people are terrified of getting cancer. Who doesn’t know someone who’s been through cancer treatment? Again, there are people who handle traditional treatment with aplomb and come out the other side. There’s a luminous radiance to them and I celebrate them. But, I am not one of those people.

I got lost driving home; I felt so violated and freaked out, I couldn’t really follow my GPS. I do tend to freak out after a stark-you-can’t-escape-reminder that I have cancer. I was thinking about the salt of the earth, upstate New York women I met in the waiting room. They were all gone by the time I was done. I won’t see them again because they’re treated at Cooperstown and I’ll be treated in Oneonta. Goddess, I was hungry. I never wanted a bacon cheeseburger and fries so badly, but I can’t eat that anymore. D told me she missed doughnuts the most. I miss eating for comfort.--

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Nov 17, 2023 Friday

Why I Want to Stay Alive

I want to see G2 published, write Jane Lee’s Book of Door, self-publish Kat’s Cancer World – This Witch Has Cancer and sell it for like $3.50, so anyone who receives the terrifying diagnosis, rich or poor, with whom my story might resonate, has instant, access. Let’s see. I want to visit Lake Bled in Slovenia, spend a summer on the coast in Wales, stand on the furthest reaches of the Hebrides, my arms spread wide, letting the wind blow through me. And I’d like to do something wonderful every summer with Brad, Sarah and Henry – like rent a castle on the coast of Ireland – and be an active part in their daily lives because they are truly my favorite people. I want to stay alive so when I finally die my son can say in his eulogy – even cancer couldn’t kill my mother. Oh, and I want to see the Northern Lights in Iceland. I want another visit with Tom, Peggers, Annabelle, Crik, Grey, and my brother, in Annabelle and Crik’s new home on St. Michaels. I want to finish making my apt a comfy home and fall in love again with a man who gets me. I want to live so I can bug Tom A for the rest of his life, cause I love the hell out of him, and keep an eye on OT who needs to forgive himself and know that he is wonderful. I want to live because Gary makes me laugh so hard and Sheila is her own planet and my cats and I are just really getting to know each other. I want to live because of Fall, and being a witch, and art, and because I love helping my clients and the glory that is being alive. And yes, I’ve had some really bad times, my life would have probably killed a lesser woman, but I’m not ready to say good-bye. I have more to do, more accepted paradigms to upend, blow-up, and destroy before I go.

My desire to live is strong. My desire to bring my body back into balance is equally as strong as my desire to live. It’s not about into-the-trenches-to-destroy-the cancer. It’s about re-claiming my body and bringing my body back into balance. Reclaiming can be defined as bringing the pieces of you, that have been splintered off by life, back into body. The pieces can already be inside the body but buried deep because of trauma. Isis is the Goddess of Reclaiming.

—

Lady B today. She put her hands on me and I thought I was going to jump out of my skin.

“What is that?”

“An area of threat, of fear.”

“I hate having cancer,” I said.

It was the first time I’ve said it, allowed myself to feel it. Powerless. The mean voice - what did you expect? You deserve this.

She moved her hands.

“I can’t heal what I hate, Lady B.”

“Hate is part of the process. It will pass.”

When I lie down on Lady B’s table, it feels like the solid that is me, moves apart. I am cells and molecules, without the boundary of solid. In the spaces between the cells and molecules are valleys and in the valleys are rivers of fast-moving energy.

I feel the false accusations, lies; I am freezing, on my knees; hiding in the dark, hearing what I’m not supposed to hear. They know I know though and they’re coming for me. Nowhere to turn, no protection. I am safe in my terror though, safe enough to go down the slide into the horror of torture and mayhem and awful ways of dying. I asked Wise Joe to help me stay clear. Sometimes with past lives you want to elaborate, and I wasn’t interested in that, I only wanted truth.

I don’t know where I go in a session with Lady B and I don’t much care. I just know that it’s right and where I need to be.

When I stood at the end of the healing, my life force was running through my chakras in a way I’ve never felt it before. It felt like what my favorite mountain brook looks like, clear and fresh. Alive. And where the energy from my will ran into my heart it tickled. Feeling like the happiest and gentlest of little girls, I smiled the whole way home.

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November 17, 2023 Saturday

All past lives live in the body. The soul in this lifetime (and the rest) is composed of three of your past lives. Each incarnation brings three different past lives together. When I first started the great work of knowing self, I was told I chose to be born and whatever obstacles I was facing I chose to face. I was in school on planet earth and could create and uncreate my reality at will. Part of me accepted that, the other part of me was screaming questions. What about starving children, rape and incest survivors. What about Auschwitz? Are you telling me these people are choosing these experiences? When I finally got up the nerve to ask, the teacher said,

“They chose to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of humanity.”

I thought that’s not working. I said, “Well then, I guess we don’t have to feed starving children and rape and incest survivors should just get over themselves, and concentration camps should get a tax write-off because the victims chose the experience.”

The teacher smiled. “You’re being negative.”

Everyone in the class smiled.

I was embarrassed. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why asking questions meant I was being negative but no way was I going to say anything.

—

Clearly, we have no context for the concepts of choosing to be born, choosing the life you will have, and creating and uncreating your reality. From my experience, all the disembodied friends we cannot see are about creating a more humane world. Some would say we are here to create a more spiritual world. I say, spirituality is supposed to lead you to your humanity. The humane act is what embodied spirituality looks like. Perception is rooted in context. Context is about your socialization; your programming.

Raised in a staunchly Christian household and having attended to all-girl Christian schools from the fifth grade through my second year of college, I genuinely believed putting others before me and treating them kindly and compassionately was the answer. That I treated others way better than I ever treated myself was what I thought being spiritual was about. This is true of almost every healer I know till we burn out on drugs/or any other self-destruct habit we pick up. Then, we have to face the scariest thing in the world: ourselves. The question isn’t - why am I creating this? — which does little more than take you down a rabbit hole. The question is - who am I?

“Why do you think you’re so bad?” My first therapist used to ask. “What makes you so bad?”

As a child, intuiting and answering everybody’s needs, at which I was adept, kept me safe. Being who people wanted me to be, kept me safe. When I finally asked - who am I? -  the tectonic plates on which I stood shifted and the world as I knew it came down. Hard. I’d no idea if I’d survive or not but anything had to be better than where I was. That was the beginning of me reclaiming me and moving into my authenticity. To live, to give, from the authentic self is a very different ballgame.

—

I never thought of a past life as having frequency but it clearly does. I woke up this morning sharply aware of how the themes in one past life, magnetize the same theme in the next life and on and on. This is not a new or particularly original idea, it’s been around for years, and it always rang true for me. But because of the session with Lady B, it’s embodied in me in a way it wasn’t before; it is part of my context. I was also aware of other themes, rooted in the core theme, built on top of that. I could see how my ever changing three souls attracted other people, with their ever changing three souls, and I think of the people I’ve known this lifetime, who I’ve know so many other lifetimes before, and my gut sense tells me truly there is some kind of purpose behind it all.

I am not a contract person. A contract is a capitalist word and I don’t believe that the sacred is ruled by capitalism anymore than I believe that we are born with contracts to work through with other people over this, that, or the other.

I’ve had more clients come to me saying they’d a contract to work out with some man but the man refused to budge. How were they supposed to accomplish their goal? They wouldn’t be able to evolve. I said, “Your evolution doesn’t depend on anyone but you. If he doesn’t want to work it out it’s not your problem. The issue here is unhooking from this kind of co-dependency.”

—

A teacher once told me that he’d heard from another teacher that earth and her people were an experiment by God and friends. Rudolf Steiner wrote that beings of light came down and mated with cave women to speed up the evolution of the human species. Maybe that was the experiment by God and friends? I can’t help wondering if the beings of light were any good in bed and if the cave women were into it.

—

Choosing to be born, the ability to create and uncreate your reality, the idea that you chose your life circumstances before incarnating (though I am assured it’s decidely not ALL up to you), there is validity and truth in these statements but there’s so much more. These are not meant to be-all-or-be- nothing statements; they are not the be-all, end-all, explanations or reasons for why you’re the way you are or why life is the way it is. They’re clues, no more, no less. The finality of all or nothing statements leaves out nuance, process, shadow, and light. It leaves out delving into the human experience, your experience, the every day and the mystical, and the ever evolving understanding of interconnectedness. Worst of all it leaves out questioning.

—

There was something living in my will that was against me and Lady B took it out. It not only freed me, but freed the evil connected to me from past lifetimes, that was still living in my body. And when it was over I remember thinking this is what forgiveness feels like. Once upon a time the angels told me that forgiveness wasn’t about letting go – it’s a calling in of your energy. You’re taking your energy out of something that has genuinely harmed you and will continue to harm you, lifetime after lifetime. Could I have done what Lady B did on my own? Absolutely not. She sees what I can’t in much the same way I see what my beloved clients can’t. As I write this, I’m feeling like I’m the dream of ancient crones in the most ancient mystery schools and they’re guiding my footsteps and my thoughts. I am beyond grateful.

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Nov 19, 2023 Sunday

Woke up thinking about frequency and how it could work. You can’t just sit in a chamber of what is considered to be a healthy body frequency and cure cancer.

Healthy cells grow, divide, and die. Healthy cells have good boundaries; they listen to what the other cells tell them and stay in their lane. Healthy cells mature and when they are no longer needed receive the signal to die. And they do. For instance, if you cut yourself, cells and blood vessels (vascular system) that will heal the cut form immediately. When the cut heals, those cells stop forming and die. Cells are programmed to die when they are no longer needed. This programmed death is called apoptosis.

DNA is the General MacArthur of the cell. DNA sends the cells where they are needed. DNA sends you-need-to-die-messages to the cells that are no longer needed.

Cancer is a result of damage to the mitochondrial DNA. Cancer cells are immature cells, listen to nothing and no one, have no boundaries whatsoever – liver, brain, here I come – and unlike healthy cells that grow, divide, and die, cancer cells are loaded with growth factors and grow uncontrollably. Ergo, tumor.

In order for frequency treatment to work you have to know what the frequency of the tumor is, and what frequency will destroy it. Every kind of cancer has its own frequency. Then the question becomes - how does the destruction of the cancer tumor affect the frequency of the rest of the body? After you destroy a cancer tumor the body’s not going to be in balance, even if you’re pissing out the dead cells, because it’s been compensating to survive. This triggers the next question: what frequencies will bring the body back into balance.

—

In a clinical trial at Sloan-Kettering, a small group of people were given a drug called dostarlimad for rectal cancer. They took the drug for 6 months and the cancer disappeared. They’re billing it a scientific miracle. I looked up how much it costs.

Dostarlimab is available as Jemperli (dostarlimab-gxly injection) at a dose of 500mg/10 ml. The cost of each dose of the drug is $11,000.

So let’s say the script says, take once a day for 6 months. That’s 7 days a week for $77,000. 4 weeks in a month bring the cost up to $308,000. And for 6 months that would be $1,848,000. In India the cost is $8,182, 237.50 for 9 doses over the course of 6 months.

I googled - what’s in dostarlimab?

TSR-042 (also called dostarlimab) is an antibody, like the proteins made by the immune system to protect the body from harm. TSR-042 blocks the protein PD-1 (programmed cell death receptor 1) that usually acts as a “brake” on the immune system.

I am going to ask the doctors about the drug. It sounds too good to be true, like immunotherapy, which though touted to be the next big thing, is turning out to be remarkably unsuccessful and cost prohibitive. Why? The patients who are accepted into the trials are stage 4 and physically destroyed by Standard of Care. There is no immune system in the body to rebuild.

I remain a loud and strong cheerleader for frequency and was delighted to read that the FDA has approved a sound wave machine created by scientists at the University of Michigan. In clinical trials the machine destroyed liver tumors with low pulse frequencies and the body pissed the dead cancer cells away. It’s a hand held machine and I’m sure I’m not the only layperson who’s trying to figure out how to make one. Then all we have to do is to determine what wave length destroys which cancer and what wave length of sound will bring the body back into balance. My dream? All the people who are suffering with Standard of Care won’t have to suffer anymore and all the new people diagnosed won’t be scared out of their minds.

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November 20, 2023 Monday

It’s Thanksgiving Week and it’s easy for me to be thankful. I am thankful for my acupuncturist and Lady B and the dollars that have miraculously flown my way. I am thankful for all of y’all subscribing, and that you’re reading me. I am thankful for your comments, your emails, and your texts. Your energy, your prayers, your magick, has woven a golden net of support that holds and carries me through the difficult days and helps me fly on the good ones. I am thankful for my family, my son, my daughter-in-love, and my grandson. I am thankful for my beloved clients and that my readings have never been better. I am thankful for my home, that I live where I live. I am thankful to Lady to Lord, to the dead helping me - Dad and Wise Joe and Mary Lou - and all the light beings who surround me prodding me along. I am thankful to be me and that I can love those I love beyond all reason.

Have a blessed Turkey Day. I’ll see y’all in a couple of weeks.

Live loud, love fierce, and suffer no fools. Kat x0x0x0

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Art by Leonora Carrington